The Ugly Truth

As Thanksgiving approached this year I found myself wanting. Not for a single thing, but wanting all the same.

My pain is eleven months old today, so thanksgiving wasn't full of that all-consuming can't-eat-can't-sleep-I-want-to-wake-up-from-this-dream-right-now-please heavy feeling. It was a normal Thanksgiving on the outside. Even on the inside for me it was a fairly normal Thanksgiving. I didn't eat a single bite of any dessert, but other than that, normal. 

Leading up to Thanksgiving was another story. I was reading blogs and entering giveaways on blogs and everywhere people wanted an answer to the question "What are you thankful for this year?" What the heck, world? Why did that question make me vacillate between bitterness and tears? 

I try so hard to go out into the world every day and make up for what it is missing with that sweetest of beautiful girls gone. I smile at people everywhere I go. I am even more extra-nice to people everywhere I go whether it's shopping or driving or hauling kids or whatever. There's a big void to fill and I feel an absolute duty to do it because I am so blessed to have known Victoria. 

 I still feel bitterness creeping around me. Me alone. Me, all by myself and mad - so mad. And I feel guilty about it because I know it isn't how I should  feel. Except should can really bite me right now because things are not as they should be. 

I'm not the only one and I know it. There are handfuls of us still carrying around the sometimes-empty spot which used to be so full. Of course there are moments of rejoicing over great memories. But they do not totally fill up the empty spot for me. Do any of you ever feel bitter and angry about it? Or am I the only jerk who can't process this properly. I feel like I am failing my course in grief, failing myself, and failing the people around me.  

So there you go. There is the ugly truth.

 

Success!

I did it! I made the sheet music wreath and took it to my aunt. She didn't immediately hang it, but she did seem very pleased when she saw it and verified it was for her. Thanks, internet, for keeping me honest. We're a great team. Now I have a request for a bunch of small ones she can use to decorate her tree. I'll try my hand at it and we'll see what happens.

I didn't get a picture because I forgot to take my camera... again. Yay me! So what are you doing today? Did you go shopping?

I Am Ever So Thankful

Many times I have started writing the post about my grandparents. It goes to the drafts folder every time. There is nothing I can write to do justice to the legacy of love they have bestowed upon our family.

My grandmother taught me how to hide candy, shell peas, husk corn, plant beans, pick berries, and love people with all your heart even in the moments you are sick of them. She used to let me comb her hair, fake-shave my legs with lotion and a metal nail file, and play Johnny Cash until she was probably desperately tired of him. She spent hours looking for four leafed clovers in the soft patch of grass between the house and the grapevine.

She walked downtown with me to the IGA when it was still there for years. I remember my shock when I asked her to go with me one day and she declared herself too old. She sat on the swing down under the pine trees in evenings as the heat faded and I remember singing with her, and her singing to me. One song I especially remember is about telling Aunt Fanny the old gray goose is dead. Tomorrow I will embrace her while somehow trying to squeeze all of those moments into one good hug.

My grandfather let me paint the basement with him when I was five years old. I have always loved to paint, probably because he is the one who taught me. I don't remember him teaching me anything, I just remember sploshing paint on uneven stone walls with an over-saturated brush. It is a feeling I will never forget. He presented me with a Mickey Mouse watch after the job was done, and I felt oh so very grown up. If I was at his house I felt safe. He taught me to hide candy under the couch and that your stomach does not know what time it is.

I'm still deciding if his theory, which he still contends to this day, is true: "That's what you looked like when the picture was taken." His other ideas have also been met with some resistance. For example "You don't come out of the bathroom looking AN HOUR better, so you don't need to be in there for an hour" seems to have some flaws in it as far as I'm concerned. I think my sense of humor comes mostly from him.

These are just two of the people I am ever so thankful for this Thanksgiving. I was going to write about a bigger handful, but believe me, these two are a handful all on their own!

Thanksgiving hostess gift: A Sheet Music Wreath

I am going to try my hand at a sheet music wreath like I have seen from Michelle at Primp. The first one I ever saw was from Miss Mustard Seed, but the tutorial I found was from Primp. Michelle's  finished product is terrific and her tutorial makes it look like something I can do.

I am going to make this  for my aunt, who has been having everyone for Thanksgiving for several years now.  I'm pretty sure she does not read my blog, so it will be a surprise. I think this would suit my aunt's decorating style. I can imagine this displayed on or around her beloved piano. 

I seem to do better at things when I have released my intentions out into the world. This way I can't hold it all inside and be the only one to know I didn't do what I thought about doing. If I had done all the things I told myself I was going to do the world would be a much different place! Do other behave this way?  Thank you, internet, for anonymously holding me accountable.

*the photo above is taken from Michelle at Primp

 

My Review of Free-Arm Sewing Machine with 26 Stitches

Originally submitted at CSN Stores

Features:

• 26 built-in stitches, each with multiple stitch funtions
• Free-arm / flat-bed convertible sewing surface
• Twin needle for decorative stitching
• Lightweight and easy to use
• Built-in 4-step buttonho...

Free-Arm Sewing Machine with 26 Stitches

A total novice finds happiness

By tammigirl from Sharon Center, OH on 11/7/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Easy To Use

Best Uses: Home, Sewing Projects

Describe Yourself: Novice

Was this a gift?: No

I took this out of the box and all I needed was thread. The instructions for some things are very easy to follow, and for other things you may need to figure out what they mean. I do not know my way around a sewing machine, and I got myself going.

One thing I had difficulty with was the bobbin. It was threaded, but had no tension. It wasn't grabbing what it needed to grab under the little plastic guide. I had a sewing teacher come and take a look. She played with the machine for quite a while after solving the bobbin issue and proclaimed it to be a really nice machine.

I am thrilled with the wealth of options provided with this machine. It included several different feet - even one for doing a rolled edge. I am sure this will suit all my sewing needs for a long time.

(legalese)